When I think of how far I have come (and gone) in the last year I am filled with anxiety. For the last couple years, Septembers have signified great (in amount, not quality) change for me. Breakups, moving away, moving home, new jobs, graduation. But, for the first time in a long time, I feel stagnant.
I’m sure by now everyone is absolutely exhausted of hearing me express my fear in “settling”. Actually, I know for a fact you’re all tired of it because the amount of text messages I got after my last post about how my blogs are always written at the expense of other people and that I need to find motivation and move on are innumerable. I get it folks. But I am the sort of person who needs to “hash out” my feelings verbally and on my blog. So if you don’t want to hear it, adios haters, but Im going to keep doing what I do best….writing about my own personal struggles to make you feel better about your own.
I booked a ticket, I packed a bag and I left. I was 23 with a passion for writing, a sense of adventure, a free spirit and a colorful life to live. And most importantly, a new found fear of settling.
I booked a ticket, I packed a bag and was about to head home. I was 24, working a job that tired me out, I spent more time in my bedroom than at the beach, a nonexistent love life and a dwindling sense of self-confidence.
It feels like you’re completely naked in front of a million strangers, even if you’re fully clothed in front of one person you’ve known for quite some time. It feels like giving a sales pitch on the best product around but you can’t quite find the words to sell it. It feels like an obsession. It feels like arrogance. It feels like wanting to crawl under a rock and die. It makes the most confident person in the world feel like they’re not good enough, even for just a moment. Rejection.
Its something we all deal with. Some of us deal with it on a daily basis and some deal with it better than others. If you’re anything like me, which you’re probably not, you spend days making up excuses in your head as to why you’ve been rejected. You search your Facebook chat panel, messaging anyone who will listen and offer advice. You try to convince them to give you the answer you want to hear (and if they are any sort of friend, they will give you the cold hard truth). You go back and forth telling yourself you’re good enough, you’re pretty enough, you’re funny enough, you’re smart enough and you’re definitely over qualified. No you’re not. But maybe you are? Maybe they didn’t get the e-mail? Maybe their text messages aren’t coming through? Maybe you were giving them mixed signals? Maybe they think you’re crazy? Maybe they are just playing a never-ending game of hard to get? Maybe they’re still processing your resume? Maybe they have a girlfriend? MAYBE THEYRE JUST A GIANT DOUCHEBAG!
i am constantly brought back to the same lesson and constantly try to ignore it. i cannot control anything or anyone besides myself. i am responsible for my own words and my actions, not how other people make me feel. the opinions, thoughts and actions of others are their own, they do not define me nor do they harm me unless i let them. i am a powerful, beautiful, intelligent, funny, strong, caring individual and the sooner i realize this and allow myself to believe it, the less i will notice and care about the differing opinions of others. the things i dream about and long for may not necessarily be the things i need. i need to understand that when things do not work out how i planned or desire them to, that there are far better things around the corner.
Bonnie Friedman (via writetothestars)