so, I recently received news that I have been accepted to be a contributing writer at Elite Daily which is awesome. But I was asked to submit a biography….that could potentially be seen by thousands of people. I struggled with whether I should be totally honest about myself or fib a little. I decided to be honest:
"Courtney is a self proclaimed self help book junkie. She has a strong passion for human connectedness and is probably too empathetic for her own good. She is a psychology major from the University of Western Ontario, which is most likely where she adopted her love of writing and drinking too much tequila on week nights. She’s sarcastic and witty with a deep fear of settling. Her idea of the perfect first date is watching sports on the couch and delving into too much personal information and seeing how long the guy sticks around….still single. Shit herself in the Vietnam jungle once. Believes the most beauty lies within a persons vulnerability. Writes about her heartbreaks, growing pains and real life struggles at onegirl-onejourney.tumblr.com"
…..ya, still single.
From our early teenage years far into adulthood we spend a lot of time making important decisions that shape our character, our beliefs and the standards we set for relationships (among many other things). We choose who we hang out with in high school to the clothes that we wear. We choose what university we are going to go to and how much time we are going to dedicate to studying and/or partying. We choose who we date, our careers and how we spend our free time. What we don’t realize a lot of the time, is that we choose to let a lot of these decisions hinder on the opinions and feelings of other people. Aware of it or not, a lot of our decisions are based on how other people are going to react and how people may see us when its all said and done.
When I think of how far I have come (and gone) in the last year I am filled with anxiety. For the last couple years, Septembers have signified great (in amount, not quality) change for me. Breakups, moving away, moving home, new jobs, graduation. But, for the first time in a long time, I feel stagnant.
I’m sure by now everyone is absolutely exhausted of hearing me express my fear in “settling”. Actually, I know for a fact you’re all tired of it because the amount of text messages I got after my last post about how my blogs are always written at the expense of other people and that I need to find motivation and move on are innumerable. I get it folks. But I am the sort of person who needs to “hash out” my feelings verbally and on my blog. So if you don’t want to hear it, adios haters, but Im going to keep doing what I do best….writing about my own personal struggles to make you feel better about your own.
I booked a ticket, I packed a bag and I left. I was 23 with a passion for writing, a sense of adventure, a free spirit and a colorful life to live. And most importantly, a new found fear of settling.
I booked a ticket, I packed a bag and was about to head home. I was 24, working a job that tired me out, I spent more time in my bedroom than at the beach, a nonexistent love life and a dwindling sense of self-confidence.
It feels like you’re completely naked in front of a million strangers, even if you’re fully clothed in front of one person you’ve known for quite some time. It feels like giving a sales pitch on the best product around but you can’t quite find the words to sell it. It feels like an obsession. It feels like arrogance. It feels like wanting to crawl under a rock and die. It makes the most confident person in the world feel like they’re not good enough, even for just a moment. Rejection.
Its something we all deal with. Some of us deal with it on a daily basis and some deal with it better than others. If you’re anything like me, which you’re probably not, you spend days making up excuses in your head as to why you’ve been rejected. You search your Facebook chat panel, messaging anyone who will listen and offer advice. You try to convince them to give you the answer you want to hear (and if they are any sort of friend, they will give you the cold hard truth). You go back and forth telling yourself you’re good enough, you’re pretty enough, you’re funny enough, you’re smart enough and you’re definitely over qualified. No you’re not. But maybe you are? Maybe they didn’t get the e-mail? Maybe their text messages aren’t coming through? Maybe you were giving them mixed signals? Maybe they think you’re crazy? Maybe they are just playing a never-ending game of hard to get? Maybe they’re still processing your resume? Maybe they have a girlfriend? MAYBE THEYRE JUST A GIANT DOUCHEBAG!